Watching someone else laugh at you.
Having to laugh along with a joke directed at yourself.
Having a fear of putting on weight.
Having to wake up every morning knowing that it’s another day that I’m going to hate.
But God is with me. 100%. I know this, but the evidence isn’t there. I have faith. I live a life of faith. I broke down yesterday. Almost crashed. Almost ran head first into trouble. I thought of self harming. I thought of not eating. I thought of just lashing out. Every day pushes me to my limits. Watching people moan about pathetic things. Watching people laugh and make fun of serious global issues. If they were in that situation, they’d crumble.
It makes me so angry. I want to see salvation. Especially within my family. But every time it gets thrown back at me. So what do I do? I go back, better and stronger. Unfortunately, this often results in the backlash getting stronger. But I will not give up. Never.
Things have happened in my past that not even I can fully understand. I wonder how the people around me have coped. Only two months ago, I lost a close cousin. We still don’t know why. Everyone’s moved on. Everyone. But I just can’t. I think about him. And I worry. And I look at the flowers. And I sit by the river. He didn’t have the cleanest soul. But even then, people made things up about his death.
It went from him trying to save a baby to him running from drug dealers. No-one will ever know what happened, but to think that he could have died like that makes me feel physically sick. People take things for granted. It hurts. The pain gets unbelievable. Headaches. Generally being annoyed with everything. I’m growing. I’m learning. It isn’t easy, no. But I will get through. God stands by me.