Watching someone else laugh at you.
Having to laugh along with a joke directed at yourself.
Having a fear of putting on weight.
Having to wake up every morning knowing that it’s another day that I’m going to hate.
But God is with me. 100%. I know this, but the evidence isn’t there. I have faith. I live a life of faith. I broke down yesterday. Almost crashed. Almost ran head first into trouble. I thought of self harming. I thought of not eating. I thought of just lashing out. Every day pushes me to my limits. Watching people moan about pathetic things. Watching people laugh and make fun of serious global issues. If they were in that situation, they’d crumble.
It makes me so angry. I want to see salvation. Especially within my family. But every time it gets thrown back at me. So what do I do? I go back, better and stronger. Unfortunately, this often results in the backlash getting stronger. But I will not give up. Never.
Things have happened in my past that not even I can fully understand. I wonder how the people around me have coped. Only two months ago, I lost a close cousin. We still don’t know why. Everyone’s moved on. Everyone. But I just can’t. I think about him. And I worry. And I look at the flowers. And I sit by the river. He didn’t have the cleanest soul. But even then, people made things up about his death.
It went from him trying to save a baby to him running from drug dealers. No-one will ever know what happened, but to think that he could have died like that makes me feel physically sick. People take things for granted. It hurts. The pain gets unbelievable. Headaches. Generally being annoyed with everything. I’m growing. I’m learning. It isn’t easy, no. But I will get through. God stands by me.
There’s nothing that can’t tell me that I haven’t come a long way in the past few months. I put myself through hell because of my situation and I whole-heartedly regret it. Yes, I still have a fear of putting on too much weight, but it’s a heck of a lot better than it was. Music’s helped me through a lot. You could just turn off the world and turn up the volume and everything would be alright. I couldn’t complain either. At least I wasn’t screaming at mum.
Over the past week or so, we’ve been doing a presentation on eating disorders. Something we feel strongly about.There’s nothing more that I wanted to do it about and I knew that it’d hit me where it hurts. Talking about my experience, and watching videos where other people have struggled made me realize how far I’d come. How horrible what I was doing to myself actually was. There’s no doubting that.
The only thing that makes me upset is the fact that other people, men and women, go through this every day. The thing is, that they don’t have the help that I had. I kept it to myself for months, but actually telling people helped. Telling people how much I was struggling with actually eating a meal. I still get teased at school. Yeah. Anorexic. Stick. You know, the works. But there’s no point in getting down over it. I may look thin, but my story made me stronger as a person. Getting over that took weeks, months, and I’m still struggling now.
But I know, that my God is with me. That he loves me for who I am. Not what other people see me as. I have crazy friends, and I know that they’ll support me throughout whatever.
So what, I get hate shoved through my locker. So what, people still can’t get over the fact that I’m a Christian. I am a woman of God. Nothing on this planet can stop me and I’m not going to rest until I see more of the people I love take the journey that I have.
Anyway, I have to go to school. O.o Adiós.